Toomey (R): “The kind of reform we're talking about is actually guaranteed to create millions of jobs over time and also bring more revenue.”
Clyburn (D): “I believe that all of the ingredients for a good resolution” are included in the plan.
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| The co-chairs of the Super Committee happily sign off on the deal |
November 13, 2011
Washington (Lalaland News) – Despite gloomy remarks during the regular Sunday talk shows, the whole committee gathered today in a rare Sunday session to iron out some of the last details of a wide-ranging plan to increase revenue, create jobs, and reduce short and long term deficit reduction. Though information is still sketchy, the sweeping plan will require the cooperation of the European Community and other Asian trading partners. The deal included sensitive conversations with Prime Ministers and Heads of Government, and it is expected that the plan will receive the necessary approval.
Far-reaching outsourcing plan is key to modernization of America
Germany will take over Treasury. The plan’s cornerstone tentatively dubbed “Re-birthed America” relies extensively in outsourcing key government areas. Under the agreement friendly governments will run different departments of the federal government. Under the agreement, Germany would take over the Treasury Department. Under the plan, the Euro will eventually replace the Dollar, as the European currency notes are cheaper to produce, and are much less prone to counterfeiting. The traditionally efficient Germans will take over the functions of the Department. The cost-benefits will be almost immediate, as thousand of federal workers will be laid off.
“Imagine the savings … We need to cut at least 50% of the Federal employees” and the plan would accomplish it painlessly, said a prominent Republican. The savings, after paying severance and other benefits to fired workers will reduce expenditures, increase the value of currency, and will curtail the free-spending habits of the Federal government. Among the Republicans in the Super-Committee there was a shared feeling–
“We need a good German Dominatrix to run Treasury. Let's hope Angela will accept the challenge”.
Justice and HHS will be moved to China. With their novel and demonstrated expertise in managing large prison population and a proven reputation in reducing waiting time for patients in need of transplants, China is the ideal partner. Without given to many details as last-minute negotiations are still going on, China will take over the DoJ and HUD. The American prison population will be granted honorary Chinese citizenship, and the BofP would be run as
"Chinese Sovereign Inland Territories” – with no oversight of the local, State, or Federal Government, more or less in the same way that American corporations run “maquiladoras” in Central America and other Asian nations. The Chinese will accept a 50% cut on the American sovereign debt as part of the exchange. The newly freed citizens would work in model factories, producing everything from tennis shoes to satellites for the CIA and other government agencies.
"It is a win-win situation", said Col. Ciao Fun.
"The American people is freed from the expense of maintaining a large prison population, will receive goods at substantially reduce prices, and eventually, we will be able to reduce the unspeakable American waiting times for organ donations from hundreds and even thousands of days to just a couple of hours!” Sheriff Arpaio, the appointed liaison with the Chinese government was thrilled–
"They will have to sew their own pink underwear and to top it off, they will have to watch The Weather Channel in Chinese!" As part of the deal, and at Republican’s insistence, The DoJ building and The Supreme Court buildings will be sold to pay off the federal debt, and the few federal workers still remaining will be transferred to Guam, as to enable close cooperation with China.
Japanese will run ED. The Japanese government will start running the Education Department and County-based schools. 98% of 15 year-old middle-school graduates go on to high schools or private specialist institutions. A high-school diploma is a considered the minimum for the most basic jobs in Japanese societies. The rate of students who advance on to senior high schools was 97.0% in 2002. The rate of students who went on to universities and junior colleges was 44.8 %. Mathematical literacy in Japanese education is rated first among 27 other world educational systems, and Science is rated second. Of course, opposition is expected among teachers, as foreign education is usually dismissed as second-rate to the American system.
Other movements. Peace is in the making, said a Democratic member of the Super-Committee. As part of the deal, Israel, in cooperation with the Palestinian Authority will take over the Housing Department. Currently empty housing would be sold for a nominal price to Palestinians evicted from their homeland since 1977, while other properties will be sold to the booming Israeli population. The move will freeze the continued building of kibbutz and occupying even more scarce land. Thus housing needs and secure borders will be attained and, at the same time, the move into the houses repossessed by banks and other financial institutions will bring them back to profitability.
“The banks and the federal government would be freed of the financial burden, the housing market will re-bound and the construction industry will be revived in short term, offering jobs to millions of fired federal workers” reads the draft report of the Super Committee. As part of the deal, major banks have agreed to start offering cheap mortgages all over again, so in time, a new batch of new housing would become vacant, and the cycle would start all over again, generating more profits for banks and other financial institutions.
Side deals. As part of the landmark agreement, Cristina Fernandez de Kirchner, the charismatic Argentinean president recently re-elected with 54% of the votes in a landslide election, will be offered the presidency of the Democratic Party. During the last G-20 meeting in Cannes, president Obama quipped,
"We need to learn something from her." With the deal, Obama's wish may come true. In a similar deal, the recently resigned Italian Primer Minister Silvio Berlusconi will be offered the job of running the GOP.
"Forza Gnocca" is Berlusconi battle cry, and he feels it will match the traditional feelings of many republicans. Finally, it is expected that the NBA will be turned over to President Ahmadinejab, and the Endowment for the Arts and NPR will be turned over to President Chavez of Venezuela-
"Let us take care of the business" said the mercurial president.
